On Indecision and Dithering

I’ve not been hitting the word count as much as I ought lately, because frankly I’m spending too much time playing video games.

I’m in a weird patch where on the one hand, in a game my goal is clear and the path to it is laid out before me (even when difficult or perplexing), and on the other hand my goal when writing is more along the lines of “Um, I dunno. Make words happen?”

Bluntly, it’s much easier to get the fix of ‘feel good’ from games than it is from writing, because writing is work, and I already work fifty hours a week at a job.

Not that that’s a very good excuse, I’ve been doing that for years now and I knew that it would be a slow burn to getting good at writing. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve even gotten that first match lit though.

Part of my reluctance comes from a place of fear that some of the topics coming up in this book are beyond my experience, and will likely forever be so. There’s more than a little fear of being called out as fake, or even being repudiated because these characters face a situation I’ll never have to look at as if it could happen to myself.

But, I think it’s an interesting situation and it came out of my fucked up brain, so my options are to ignore it and let it die and find some safer, less interesting thing to create or to struggle through my own insecurities on it and get the words down.

To be frank, it seems presumptive on my part that I should even worry about it given the (un)likelihood of anyone ever actually paying money to read it, which is an entirely different blog post altogether.

I guess the only real answer is to push forward and get it done. And if it sucks, then it’ll have earned its suckage. But it’ll be done and I’ll have a new fucked up situation to write about.

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